trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT