trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.