Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Now, where’s the sport in that?

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

My time has come.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.