Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.