[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Note to self: I am a note
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
🤣dope
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]