Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Livid.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.