Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Oh no
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat