Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
How all things should be taught/explained.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.