Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently