Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

there has never been a better use of this meme

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner