Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

Traveler’s camo

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.