[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Ovenable?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear