[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Simple enough.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.