[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
getting old is fun
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.