[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
🤣🤣🤣
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My dating profile:
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.