[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
You Might Also Like
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio