Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.