Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

I’m not proud

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Vodka burrito was a success

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?