Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Yeah. This was me today.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

This is sending me to another galaxy

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck