Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

😞

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.