[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Well well well…
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
This has made my week.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.