[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
When you have to use a public restroom.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.