Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

My teenage children choosing violence

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”