[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
You Might Also Like
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
