Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.