[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: