‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

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When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman


ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*


I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.


I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.


I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”


-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye


If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide


Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch


You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?