Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.