Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.