Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
God has abandoned us.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything