(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
