(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Just ordered me some pizza!
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.