trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Me too 😆
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr