trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Breaking news:
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.