trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls![]()
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me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
That eye roll….