trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I only eat vegetarians.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.