trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume