Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]