Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Watson was Holmes schooled
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Breaking news:
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
