Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
getting old is fun
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Yup
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.