Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.