trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
choose your gary
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Every haunted house movie:
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket