Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Not today

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.