trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
You Might Also Like
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers