Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

no!! no!!!!!!

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken