[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.