[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.