[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!