[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning