[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.