[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”