[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

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spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy


if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?


Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey


Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next



The Greek God of spelling errors.


[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks


Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision