does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Cannot stop laughing at this
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The Greek God of spelling errors.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision