[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé