Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”