Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
On the occasion of your daughter’s christening, please accept my congratulations and this large jar of pickled eggs.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.