Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*