Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Today’s Times
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
paddle faster i hear baby shark
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: