Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

I bet birds love this building.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?