@Sassafrantz

Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.

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@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

@suecorvette

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’ll straight up bring a farmer to a flea market and a flea to a farmers market I really don’t give a shit anymore.

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@JohnLyonTweets

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

@BeeeejEsq

Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol

@Donna_McCoy

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.