Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.

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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.


Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal


Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.


me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell


I’ll straight up bring a farmer to a flea market and a flea to a farmers market I really don’t give a shit anymore.


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you


Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.


Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol


I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.