11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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Natural selection at its finest
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves