[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Encore…
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m putting together a team
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine