[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
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Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Good morning.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order