[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
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Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
i did the math
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
as is their right
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls