Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised