Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
