Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
it must be school picture day
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.