[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.