[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Basically, any European coat of arms:
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
yes… yes…
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]