[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
broke down and did it
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
They’re called werewolves.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.