Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Just why bro?!

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Living the best life.. 😊

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.