Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
just left a huge legacy in there
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?