Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.