*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
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Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.