*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.