*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral