Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Don’t talk down to me
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]