Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
step 6: release the wall snake
Same pineapple, same
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
You can’t outrun your problems…
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”