Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar
Me too kid, me too
100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.
2. Tweet me.
3. Txt me….
95.Drums and smoke signals
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*