Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teamwork makes the dream work.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

oh my gosh!!

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

#NoRestForTheWicked