Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.