Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

getting seasonal up in here

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles