[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
bad news gang
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.